Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). I got the same vibe you did. Spyglassez painted_lady Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Blow out the torches! lets_be_honest Thats unfortunate (to say the least! My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. Who knows? Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Awesome. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. This makes me so deeply jealous. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Definitely. As always, your anonymity is golden. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. Skyblossom I take little credit for how lucky I am. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. I helped with yard work. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. painted_lady Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. She wasnt responding to the father though. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. I agree weddings can be stupid . Absolutely Dad! Exactly! Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. I know I did. Older and (hopefully) wiser If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Contact Us. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. I completely agree with you on Buffy. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. Definitely. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. You're surely not alone. Whats ok is to have a balance. 2. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. You may not see the rewards right away. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Skyblossom lets_be_honest I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. Settlers of Catan! WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. lets_be_honest Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) I must just not be seeing things clearly. Thats still not OK. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. A: There are two things to consider here. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. I think you are probably right. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest Again, no. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. sarolabelle An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. lets_be_honest Hah! Liquid Luck 2. Yes! It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. Really so good and so true! Game of Thrones? My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Exactly Lily! I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. going to museums? He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. bittergaymark What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). It sounds like she and her daughter just happen to share the same interests. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. Thinks hes hilarious). I have to just try harder.. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Mother of a Fangirl. He. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. Does he like the 80s music? A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Talk about making a little go a very long way. July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Usually sharks.). Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. I know from personal experience. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. I think this is a great point. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. But am I mad at her now? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. I hope the LW looks to the comments because she is not wrong to feel hurt and confused and could have used guidance which I dont think you supplied. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. Too little time to post! I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. My best friend is in that episode! Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Required fields are marked *. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. I agree with you to some extent. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. Of course its going to drive her away from him. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. And musicals should be revered as an art form. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Um, no. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development.
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